The Male Species’ Guide to Surviving the Love (part 2)

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The second (and final) part of a previously published post. The first part can be found here.

When you fail to commemorate the two year milestone in your relationship in a manner suited to her satisfaction, she will feel the need to do something to make your commitment stronger, perhaps unbreakable. She will want to talk about the future – your future, together.

You need not worry, because she will have everything planned. From your graduation to the location of your new apartment to the number of children you will have, she will know it all. You will only have to follow her master plan to keep her happy. She will have your engagement and wedding already planned – the dates, the decoration, the dresses, the venues, the guest list. She will probably even have the names picked out for the kids she will want to have – with you, of course. Do not even try to come up with a different plan, because getting her to agree to it will be akin to trying to outfox a Vegas slot machine.

She will christen you ‘Bunny’, and no, you will not be allowed to pick your own animal. The little stuffed bunnies that you see in the arms of little girls will now have a place in your room and a home in her heart. She will address you as that animal so much that you will forget your own name and will face an identity crisis by being convinced that you are a furry animal. At least you’ll be cute.

When the two of you will go to different cities for college, her insecurities will play up. She will live in constant fear of getting dumped, and will want to be stuck to you like your Siamese twin. To remind you of your commitment, she will post a black heart (the sideways cone) on your Facebook wall every day. You will be forced to change your Facebook profile picture to one of the two of you, with a caption such as ‘MY girlfriend’ on it. The picture will tell the world that she is your other three-quarters – because other half will not be enough to satisfy her. And what better way to do it than through the largest social networking site there is? It will be the digital equivalent of her having to come in and pee around your dorm room to mark her territory.

Of course, she will miss you relentlessly, which means that you will have to brace yourself for a lot of sad and crying emoticons, and a lot of actual tears as well. She will call you up at ungodly hours and wail like a banshee. You may be able to handle the tears, but you should prepare yourself for a lot of arguments as well. Since she cannot rail against the universe for its unfairness in separating two people who are meant to be together, she will use you as a vent. But have no fear, because despite the baseless arguments, she will be sure to remind you of her love every single day. She will amaze you with her commitment, because she will count not just the days, but the hours and minutes and even seconds, until she gets to see you again.

During your tenure at college, Skype will take on a new meaning, because that will be her only way of being able to see you. The two of you will extend your hands towards your laptop screens and curse it for being there. Don’t be depressed; she will make you feel better by quoting the number of days again. She will tell you that if it weren’t for Skype, the two of you would’ve broken up long ago.

Be prepared for becoming the subject of many jokes amongst your friends. They will single you out when they run out of laughs, and she will tell you that your friends are probably jealous of your relationship since none of them have been Enlightened the way you have been.

Being far away and unable to see you every week, she will get a little insecure. Cross out the little and make that a lot. She will portray paranoia like you have never seen before. Every girl you talk to will be the one you are cheating on her with, and thus will have to be excluded from your list of friends. Any female who may be in your vicinity such that you can smell her body odour will be the slut who is trying to steal her guy. If you make the mistake of getting a picture taken with a member of the opposite sex, she will walk all the way to your dorm room if she has to, just to make sure that you are still faithful to her.

While you will not be allowed to utter a syllable to a member of the opposite sex, the same rules will not apply to her. The hot-dude-from-the-Anatomy-class that she will tell you about will not be the one she is crushing on; she will say that he is one of nature’s finest creations and she is only “appreciating nature” by ogling at it. Of course, the idea of appreciating nature will go with her chastity belt.

With her going out guns blazing on all your female friends, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself solely in male company. And then, she will worry about you turning gay and hooking up with one of the boys. So eventually, you will be left with no friends. But no worries, since who would need friends when you have her, something that she will be quick to point out. A social lifestyle is for elephants anyway, and you are just a Bunny in love.

It will be imperative that you send her a “good night text” every night before you fall asleep. It doesn’t matter if she fell asleep way before you did; if she wakes up the next morning to no texts from you, she will assume that you never sleep and instead hang out with uncultured college girls at odd hours.

She will call you all the time; she may call even before you are out of bed, and will explain that she was doing so to check up on you for your morning class. You need not worry about calling her, because she will always beat you to it. Just hearing your voice will be the caffeine rush – sorry, the Diet Coke – that she needs to get through her day. Do not worry about constantly being on the phone though; she may put it down for five minutes – maximum.

Day in and day out you will be on the phone or on Skype with her. You will create new records of texting. And even that will not be enough. She will need more assurances; she will tell you to move up the engagement date to the coming month.

Come a day when you will finally grow a pair and want to break up with her. She will not take kindly to it. Keep in mind that she is a perpetual bag of hormones. The moment you hint at a breakup, she will expel enough tears to be able to flood the Sahara that the sight alone would make you want to put off the breakup. Obviously, since you suggested the breakup, she will want you to take it back. She will need constant assurances that she is your “only love”, that she is “The one”. Your failure to provide any will be the start of the tedious breakup process.

You will tell her that you do not like being friendless. She will accuse you of devaluing her. You will tell her that you do not want to suddenly be told to get engaged in the coming month. She will accuse you of being gutless. You will break up with her. She will start plotting your murder.

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How to know that you are dating a crazy woman

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Strike a random conversation and throw in a subtle hint that you would want to go out with her. Give her some time. Your hint was supposed to be subtle, but she will still run a mile with it. Your idea of going out implies casual dating, a fling. She, of course, has other plans.

She will reject your subtle advances, but only for a little while. It will not be long before she will start questioning and regretting her own decision and will want to turn it around. She will hint at wanting to hook up with you – obviously not meant in the true sense of hook up, because she will claim she is much too innocent for that. You will be pestered to ask her out again, simply because she doesn’t want to do that. You will ask her out again, and because technically, you were the one who approached her again, this puts her in the driving seat. Her reply will be in the affirmative this time. She will establish from the start that she wears the pants in this relationship.

Your relationship will be a big secret. No one has to know, no one has to find out. When together in public, you will talk to her like you would to any other friend. Obviously, you will wink at each other, but that will only be for the two of you to see. Somewhere during that winking she will notice the colour of your eyes. She will later tell you how beautiful your eyes are.

No one must know that the two of you have upgraded your status from friends to lovers. You are allowed to hug anyone you want to but not her, and you are definitely not allowed to hold her hand. You are not just being nonchalant; you are taking it to the next level.

Don’t panic, or be sad. This phase will pass.

And soon it does. She will gradually tell her inner circle about you, and then proceed to tell her family. And then, she will change her facebook status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship’. Putting it up on facebook is what makes the commitment official for her. Since she would want to mention who she’s ‘In a relationship’ with, it means that both of your facebook statuses get changed. Oh happy day.

It will not be slow and subtle. The transition from making the relationship secret to public will probably take one night, or less, given the amount of time it takes for her to successfully take over your facebook profile. She will memorize all the two thousand something tagged pictures you have, posting comments such as “Oh, what a cutie you are” and “My guy is like so hotttt” on the ones she especially likes. It is highly unlikely that she doesn’t like them all, unless you’re with another woman in a picture. She will demand that you remove those pictures immediately.

When you log into your facebook next, she will not only have commented on your pictures but would have been rampant on your facebook wall as well. Brace yourself for a plethora of “hugs” in asterisks, “I love you”, “I miss you” and words such as honey, baby, sweetheart and the likes. It is vital that you reply to her wall posts, else she will get offended and eat your brains out to know why you’re ignoring her. You will obviously have to comment on all her pictures.

Come her birthday, and she will expect diamonds for presents. You, being short on cash, will only get her gold. But she will be consoled by the fact that you spent the entire day with her – and that includes not just the meal you took her out to, but the minutes and the seconds you spent on the phone with her because she couldn’t spend any part of that day without talking to you.

You are not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, because you believe that you don’t need just one day to tell someone that you love them. However, she will want to be extra nice on V-Day. When you tell her not to do anything special for you, she will cancel the huge teddy bear but will still get you the gigantic box of chocolates. Her card will say that it is a gift “for being such a special friend, not a Valentine’s Day gift”. Try to abstain from slapping your forehead when you read it.

Your cell phone inbox has always had a series of cheesy messages from her, but now they will have more content asking you about the ‘surprise’ you are planning for your first anniversary, which is around the corner. You take her out to lunch on your anniversary, and she will come back hurt at the lack of red roses and promises of fidelity. Apologizing incessantly will make her angrier, but she will give in at the end of the day and call you up to cry over how stupid she had acted.

You meet her every weekend, but pretty soon the week long distance will be too much to take. You propose meeting her once a week in addition to the weekend, but even that seems to less. Skype becomes the solution to that, because having a webcam on will ensure that she can see you all the time. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t talking, it doesn’t matter if you’re busy with your work, it doesn’t matter if you’re asleep; she just wants to see you at all times. Her world becomes dark the moment your face disappears from sight, and so having a perfectly functional webcam is the central ingredient to her well-being. If you have to leave the camera unattended to go to the loo, you must orient the camera towards the door so that she can keep an eye out for “unwanted thieves” in your absence. Just be grateful she doesn’t want to hear you pee.

Constant staring will become boring after a while, because how often can she comment on the beauty of your eyes? Skype conversations wouldn’t go down well with her, because you guys talk all the time anyway. The ingenious solution she proposes is that you watch a movie ‘together’ on Skype. You will not understand how that works, but allow her to explain. It is imperative that the two of you have the same copy of the same movie, and even more imperative that you start the movie at the same time. You are not allowed to watch the movie in full screen, because along with the movie, the screen also has to be devoted to her live image via webcam. She wants to see you watch the movie with her, because she is doing the same.

Sharing facebook passwords will be a must. If she dies, she has chosen you as the person worthy of getting rid of her facebook account. She considers this an honour bestowed upon you.

When you fail to commemorate the two year milestone in your relationship in a manner suited to her satisfaction, she will feel the need to do something to make you commitment even stronger. In her terminology, it means to do something to bind you to her so that you never get to leave. She will want to talk about the future – your future, together. Daunting.

You need not worry, because she will have everything planned. From your graduation to your masters to the number of children you will have, she will know it all. You only have to follow her master plan to keep her happy. She will have your engagement and wedding already planned. The dates, the decoration, the dresses, the venues, the guest list, probably even the number and names of kids she will want to have – with you, of course.

Her insecurities will play up from time to time when the two of you will be in different cities for college. To mark her territory, she obviously can’t come in and pee around your dorm room. Instead, she will go digital, and decide to post a black heart (the sideways cone) on your facebook wall. You will be forced to change your facebook profile picture to one of the two of you, with a caption such as ‘My sweetums’ on it. The world must know that you are hers and hers alone. And what better way to do it than through the largest social networking site there is?

Of course, she will miss you relentlessly, which means that you will have to brace yourself for a lot of sad and crying emoticons, and a lot of actual tears as well. She will randomly call you in the middle of the night and cry her eyes out on the phone, because she misses you so much it hurts. She will amaze and baffle you with her ‘commitment’ to you, because she will count not just the days, but the hours and minutes and even seconds, until she gets to see you again.

During your tenure at college, Skype will take on a new meaning, because that will be her only way of being able to see you. The two of you will extend your hands towards the laptop screens and curse it for being there, lamenting over the inability to touch that face in person. Don’t be depressed; she will make you feel better by quoting the number of days again. You will, obviously, watch many more movies on Skype. She will tell you that if it weren’t for Skype, the two of you would’ve broken up long ago. Ah yes, kudos to new advances in technology.

Being far away from you and unable to see you every week, she will get a little insecure. Cross out the little and make that a lot. She will portray paranoia like you have never seen before. Every girl you talk to will be the one you are cheating on her with, and thus will have to be excluded from your list of friends. Any female who may be in your vicinity such that you can smell her perfume, will be the slut who is trying to steal “her guy”. If you make the mistake of getting a picture taken with a member of the opposite sex, she will walk all the way to your dorm if she has to, just to make sure that you are still faithful to her.

With her going out guns blazing on all your female friends, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself solely in male company. And then, she will worry about you turning bi and hooking up with one of the boys. So eventually, you will be left with no friends. But no worries, since who needs friends when you have her, something that she will be quick to point out.

Day in and day out you will be on the phone or on Skype with her. You will create new records of texting. And even that will not be enough. She will need more assurances; she will tell you to move up the engagement date she had planned to the coming month.

You will want to break up with her. She will not take kindly to it. Keep in mind that she is a bag of hormones, even though it is not her time of the month yet. The moment you hint at a breakup, she will become such a pathetic weeping heap that the sorry sight alone would make you want to put off the breakup. Obviously, since you suggested the breakup, she will want you to take it back. She will need constant assurances that she is your “only love”, that she is “the one”. Your failure to provide any will be the start of the tedious breakup process.

You will tell her that you did not like being friendless because of her paranoia. She will accuse you of cheating. You will tell her that you would have wanted some say in plans of the future, instead of suddenly being told to get engaged next month. She will accuse you of getting cold feet. You will break up with her. She will start plotting your murder.

On the way to oblivion?

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Remember when cameras used to have film? Most of you won’t, but I do. And this is not to imply at how old and obsolete I am (fyi: I’m just twenty), but instead to marvel at how rapidly things and times change.

Cameras, once upon a time not too long ago, used to be equipped with film and a flash that needed to be attached or remove as was seen fit. Now, cameras come with a memory card and an ‘auto’ setting for the flash which takes into account the surrounding light intensity and then decides whether ‘to flash or not to flash’. (That sounds wrong, but you get the point). Life is becoming digitized and getting easier in the process. Or is it?

Many of these high-tech gadgets are a bit difficult to figure out. The new fangled dials and the numerous buttons make it hard for the average Joe to understand the workings of such things. The personal touch is gone; the camera now decides the best angles to take a picture from.

Captain Planet - do the children of today know what it is?

When I was in primary school, the concept of unwinding after a tough day at school was to come back and slip a cassette of my favourite cartoon in the VCR and watch it with a good home-cooked meal. Now, the same thing is done with a DVD and a pre-packaged frozen meal, that just needs to be micro waved and is ready to be devoured then. Convenience at its best. Where the highlight of the day was the evening show of Thunder Cats on PTV, kids now have a multitude of channels to choose from what they want to watch. Variety is the spice of life, but in trying to achieve that diversity, the end product is just not up to par. In trying to incorporate the digital image in the cartoons, the final result turns out to be somewhat of a mess. Keep it simple; kids don’t understand a lot of that high-tech stuff anyway. I sometimes feel sorry for the little ones these days; they have no good cartoons to watch anymore. Explains why they are quick to switch to films and dance along with the Munnis and the Sheilas of the world. We were contended just by wearing rings and impersonating the Planeteers. ‘Go Planet’ was our mantra, not ‘I’m too sexy for you’.

Erotica was a somewhat hibernating concept then, something that every parent would wish was still the same. Gone are the days when the illustration of nudity was just restricted to obscure artwork and paintings that a lot of people didn’t understand anyway. Unclothed pictures of both men and women are splashed all over the internet, and more often than not a person has stumbled across a porn site, albeit ‘accidentally’, or so they say. Nudity no longer seems to be a matter of shame, and is in fact turning into a big money making business. The human body is supposed to be respected; this industry takes it next level and considers it something to be revered. The only problem is, they do that in the literal sense.

When I was in the sixth grade, we got a Biology textbook that had a few pages stuck together, because the content on those pages was considered unsuitable for sixth graders. Our teacher told us that the pages included chapters on pregnancy, breast feeding and breast cancer, and the images accompanying the text were considered inappropriate for us. She told us that we would learn about all of that “in due time”. And we did. We studied everything in a lot of detail when we were mature enough to handle it. If I look at a sixth grader today, he will probably have all that knowledge already and then some, and most of it would not even have come from school but due to the vast expanse of soaps, movies and websites easily accessible now. These things were considered a concept almost too holy for words even, hence were not even spoken about much. And while it may be a good thing for children to have information about all aspects of life, there is also such a thing as a child learning too much too quick.

If our parents think that our generation is messed up, I wonder what they’ll say to their grandchildren. Our kids will probably grow up to be more corrupted than we ever were.

Letter writing became obsolete long ago, to be replaced by emails and now, by wall posts. While the internet is definitely the faster way to go as compared to snail mail, it is making us lose that personal touch we would have liked to add when communicating with someone dear sitting on another continent. If a person means that much to us to want to keep in touch despite the overwhelming geographical boundaries, shouldn’t we adopt means that will make our presence felt? Personal handwriting does that better than a few typed out words, just like telling a person they look pretty at a wedding is definitely more personalized than clicking a ‘like’ button on Facebook. I say the personal touch is gone, because we no longer feel the need to describe in out own words what an amazing experience our latest vacation was, when posting up pictures on Facebook would suffice for the details. A picture is worth a thousand words they say, but I would much rather have the thousand words. In fact, it is in the dearth of those words only that a good chunk of the experience is lost.

Kids buying Indian Eid cards - how long will that last?

Even the concept of handwritten cards is getting somewhat obsolete now. Eid cards used to be a sort of tradition on Eid day, to be replaced by e-cards now. These e-cards give us the option of setting a specific date and time when we want the card to be emailed, making it easier for us to ensure that the card reaches the desired inbox on Eid day. In most cases, this means that the person is most likely to come across the card after Eid, because who checks their email on the day of Eid anyway?

Can’t we make the effort to pick out a card or send a handwritten letter to someone we love, or are we really that busy or just that impersonal now?

Chatting, which was once the ‘in’ thing, has also been replaced by a few words on someone’s wall. Both signify the end of the human aspect in our conversations, because that can only be achieved by words spoken and heard, not by those typed and read.

The advent of Skype opened new avenues for easy communication. Not only can we talk, but we can also see the person on the other end. It is worth giving a thought to though as to how personal a bad resolution picture of a person can be. Thank you Skype for solving our long distance communication problems, but it is mere peanuts compared to actually having the desired person around us.

I’m not questioning progress. But I am questioning how the ‘human’ aspect from everything is disappearing. We are slowly becoming robotic in our interactions. But that’s okay, the future of the world will be in the hands of robots right? I guess that’s the price you pay for living in the 21^st century.

One day, I will pose this question to my kid: Remember when cameras used to have film? I will probably be the parent who will not be ‘with it’, your average old-timer.