The Male Species’ Guide to Surviving the Love (part 2)

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animal, apartment, boyfriend, bunny, chastity, college, commitment, dating, dump, facebook, fiction, funny, girlfriend, graduation, heart, insecure, laughs, love, male, milestone, murder, pee, random, relationship, short, short story, skype, species, story, survive, tears, Vegas, venues, webcam, wedding, writing

The second (and final) part of a previously published post. The first part can be found here.

When you fail to commemorate the two year milestone in your relationship in a manner suited to her satisfaction, she will feel the need to do something to make your commitment stronger, perhaps unbreakable. She will want to talk about the future – your future, together.

You need not worry, because she will have everything planned. From your graduation to the location of your new apartment to the number of children you will have, she will know it all. You will only have to follow her master plan to keep her happy. She will have your engagement and wedding already planned – the dates, the decoration, the dresses, the venues, the guest list. She will probably even have the names picked out for the kids she will want to have – with you, of course. Do not even try to come up with a different plan, because getting her to agree to it will be akin to trying to outfox a Vegas slot machine.

She will christen you ‘Bunny’, and no, you will not be allowed to pick your own animal. The little stuffed bunnies that you see in the arms of little girls will now have a place in your room and a home in her heart. She will address you as that animal so much that you will forget your own name and will face an identity crisis by being convinced that you are a furry animal. At least you’ll be cute.

When the two of you will go to different cities for college, her insecurities will play up. She will live in constant fear of getting dumped, and will want to be stuck to you like your Siamese twin. To remind you of your commitment, she will post a black heart (the sideways cone) on your Facebook wall every day. You will be forced to change your Facebook profile picture to one of the two of you, with a caption such as ‘MY girlfriend’ on it. The picture will tell the world that she is your other three-quarters – because other half will not be enough to satisfy her. And what better way to do it than through the largest social networking site there is? It will be the digital equivalent of her having to come in and pee around your dorm room to mark her territory.

Of course, she will miss you relentlessly, which means that you will have to brace yourself for a lot of sad and crying emoticons, and a lot of actual tears as well. She will call you up at ungodly hours and wail like a banshee. You may be able to handle the tears, but you should prepare yourself for a lot of arguments as well. Since she cannot rail against the universe for its unfairness in separating two people who are meant to be together, she will use you as a vent. But have no fear, because despite the baseless arguments, she will be sure to remind you of her love every single day. She will amaze you with her commitment, because she will count not just the days, but the hours and minutes and even seconds, until she gets to see you again.

During your tenure at college, Skype will take on a new meaning, because that will be her only way of being able to see you. The two of you will extend your hands towards your laptop screens and curse it for being there. Don’t be depressed; she will make you feel better by quoting the number of days again. She will tell you that if it weren’t for Skype, the two of you would’ve broken up long ago.

Be prepared for becoming the subject of many jokes amongst your friends. They will single you out when they run out of laughs, and she will tell you that your friends are probably jealous of your relationship since none of them have been Enlightened the way you have been.

Being far away and unable to see you every week, she will get a little insecure. Cross out the little and make that a lot. She will portray paranoia like you have never seen before. Every girl you talk to will be the one you are cheating on her with, and thus will have to be excluded from your list of friends. Any female who may be in your vicinity such that you can smell her body odour will be the slut who is trying to steal her guy. If you make the mistake of getting a picture taken with a member of the opposite sex, she will walk all the way to your dorm room if she has to, just to make sure that you are still faithful to her.

While you will not be allowed to utter a syllable to a member of the opposite sex, the same rules will not apply to her. The hot-dude-from-the-Anatomy-class that she will tell you about will not be the one she is crushing on; she will say that he is one of nature’s finest creations and she is only “appreciating nature” by ogling at it. Of course, the idea of appreciating nature will go with her chastity belt.

With her going out guns blazing on all your female friends, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself solely in male company. And then, she will worry about you turning gay and hooking up with one of the boys. So eventually, you will be left with no friends. But no worries, since who would need friends when you have her, something that she will be quick to point out. A social lifestyle is for elephants anyway, and you are just a Bunny in love.

It will be imperative that you send her a “good night text” every night before you fall asleep. It doesn’t matter if she fell asleep way before you did; if she wakes up the next morning to no texts from you, she will assume that you never sleep and instead hang out with uncultured college girls at odd hours.

She will call you all the time; she may call even before you are out of bed, and will explain that she was doing so to check up on you for your morning class. You need not worry about calling her, because she will always beat you to it. Just hearing your voice will be the caffeine rush – sorry, the Diet Coke – that she needs to get through her day. Do not worry about constantly being on the phone though; she may put it down for five minutes – maximum.

Day in and day out you will be on the phone or on Skype with her. You will create new records of texting. And even that will not be enough. She will need more assurances; she will tell you to move up the engagement date to the coming month.

Come a day when you will finally grow a pair and want to break up with her. She will not take kindly to it. Keep in mind that she is a perpetual bag of hormones. The moment you hint at a breakup, she will expel enough tears to be able to flood the Sahara that the sight alone would make you want to put off the breakup. Obviously, since you suggested the breakup, she will want you to take it back. She will need constant assurances that she is your “only love”, that she is “The one”. Your failure to provide any will be the start of the tedious breakup process.

You will tell her that you do not like being friendless. She will accuse you of devaluing her. You will tell her that you do not want to suddenly be told to get engaged in the coming month. She will accuse you of being gutless. You will break up with her. She will start plotting your murder.

The Male Species’ Guide to Surviving the Love (part 1)

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anniversary, birthday, boyfriend, crazy, dating, diamonds, email, facebook, fiction, friends, girlfriend, gold, heart, hugs, login, love, lovers, male, museum, prison, relationship, romance, short story, single, species, status, story, warden, woman, writing

The first part of my submission for a course, Fiction Writing Workshop. The story is a heavily edited version of a blog post I wrote before, ‘How to know that you are dating a crazy woman’. The blog can be viewed here.

Strike a conversation and throw in a hint that you would want to go out with her. Give her some time. Your hint was supposed to be subtle, perhaps bordering on a fling; she will choose to run a mile with it anyway.

She will reject your advances, but it will not be long before she will start questioning her decision. She will hint at wanting to hook up with you – obviously not meant in the literal sense, because she will claim she is much too innocent for that. You will be pestered to ask her out again, simply because she doesn’t want to do that. You will ask her out again, and because technically, you approached her, this will give her absolute control – the kind of control that a prison warden has over his inmates. Her reply will be in the affirmative this time.

You will convince yourself that you love her.

Your ‘relationship’ will be a big secret. When together in public, you will have to talk to her like you would to any other friend. You will wink at each other, but that will only be for the two of you to see. Somewhere during all that winking, she will notice the colour of your eyes. She will later tell you how beautiful they are.

No one must know that the two of you have upgraded your status from friends to lovers. You will be allowed to hug everyone but her, and you will definitely not be allowed to hold her hand. She will be like a museum artifact – to be looked at, but not to be played with.

Worry not. This phase will pass.

She will gradually tell her inner circle about you. And then she will change her Facebook status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship’, thus ensuring that the commitment becomes ‘official’. Since she will want to mention who she’s ‘In a relationship’ with, it means that both of your Facebook statuses get changed. Rejoice.

The transition from keeping the relationship a secret to making it public will not be subtle; it will probably take one night, or less, given the amount of time it takes for her to successfully take over your Facebook profile. She will memorize every detail of the two thousand something tagged pictures you have, posting little love notes on the ones she especially likes. It is highly unlikely that she doesn’t like them all, unless you’re with another woman in a picture. She will demand that you remove those pictures immediately.

When you log into your Facebook account next, she will not only have commented on your pictures but would have been rampant on your Facebook wall as well. Brace yourself for a plethora of “hugs” in asterisks as well as the clichéd romantic messages. It is vital that you reply to her wall posts, else she will get offended and flick a dozen questions at you to find out why you’re ignoring her. You will have to comment on all her pictures.

Come her birthday, and she will expect diamonds for presents. You, being short on cash, will only get her gold. You will take her out to an expensive place for lunch, where she will order the garden salad. You will take her to watch a movie, where she will cling to you like a monkey strapped to your leg. She will love the fact that you spent the entire day together, and that includes the customary ‘Happy Birthday’ phone call, because she couldn’t have spent any part of her day without having talked to you.

You are not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, but she will want to be extra nice on the 14^th of February. When you tell her not to do anything special for you, she will cancel the huge teddy bear but will still get you the gigantic box of chocolates. Her card will not have any mention of love, boyfriend or relationship. Instead, it will read ‘You and Me. Me and You. Such Good Friends’. It will recount the story of how the two of you got together, and she will remind you that had she not “pushed you” to ask her out again, the two of you would not even be together. The story in the card will reinforce her stance as the driver in the hiccupping truck that is your relationship.

Your cell phone inbox has always had a series of messages from her, but now they will have more content asking you about the ‘surprise’ you are planning for your first anniversary. You will want to commemorate the occasion by sliding in a big surprise – literally. She will claim that her modesty will not allow it. You will end up taking her out to lunch for your anniversary, and she will come back hurt at the lack of red roses and promises of fidelity. Apologizing incessantly will only make her angrier, but at the end of the day, she will call you up to cry over how stupid she had acted.

You will meet her every weekend, but pretty soon the week long stretch will be too much to take. You will propose meeting her once a week in addition to the weekend, but even that will seem too little. Skype will become the solution to that, because having a webcam on will ensure that she can see you all the time. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t talking, it doesn’t matter if you’re busy with your work, it doesn’t matter if you’re asleep; she will just want to see you at all times. She will need to be assured of your presence – literally – in her life at all times, and so having a functional webcam will be the central ingredient to her well-being. If you have to leave the camera unattended to go to the loo, you must orient it towards the door so that she can await your return, much like a kid waiting for his boomerang. Expect her to ask you to call her up while you brush your teeth. Something about hearing you gargle will make her feel like the two of you share your lives with each other. Just be grateful that she doesn’t want to hear you pee.

Sharing login details for all your online accounts with each other will be a must. If she dies, she has chosen you as the person worthy of getting rid of her accounts. She will consider this an honour bestowed upon you. Remember to bow down to her. Also remember her varied accounts of how she is going to die – ranging from dropping dead to the ground for no apparent reason to being murdered by a necrophiliac – which will make it seem like the Grim Reaper has nothing better to do than plot her demise. It will be her way of preparing you for that instance – or instances – when it happens.

Somewhere around the eighteen month mark in your relationship, she will casually bring up in conversation a moment from four years ago when you gave up your seat for her at a school play. She will define it as the moment when she had “already started falling for you”. Do not be baffled if neither you nor anyone else present at that play can remember any such incident.

(Keep checking back for part 2!)

How to know that you are dating a crazy woman

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Strike a random conversation and throw in a subtle hint that you would want to go out with her. Give her some time. Your hint was supposed to be subtle, but she will still run a mile with it. Your idea of going out implies casual dating, a fling. She, of course, has other plans.

She will reject your subtle advances, but only for a little while. It will not be long before she will start questioning and regretting her own decision and will want to turn it around. She will hint at wanting to hook up with you – obviously not meant in the true sense of hook up, because she will claim she is much too innocent for that. You will be pestered to ask her out again, simply because she doesn’t want to do that. You will ask her out again, and because technically, you were the one who approached her again, this puts her in the driving seat. Her reply will be in the affirmative this time. She will establish from the start that she wears the pants in this relationship.

Your relationship will be a big secret. No one has to know, no one has to find out. When together in public, you will talk to her like you would to any other friend. Obviously, you will wink at each other, but that will only be for the two of you to see. Somewhere during that winking she will notice the colour of your eyes. She will later tell you how beautiful your eyes are.

No one must know that the two of you have upgraded your status from friends to lovers. You are allowed to hug anyone you want to but not her, and you are definitely not allowed to hold her hand. You are not just being nonchalant; you are taking it to the next level.

Don’t panic, or be sad. This phase will pass.

And soon it does. She will gradually tell her inner circle about you, and then proceed to tell her family. And then, she will change her facebook status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship’. Putting it up on facebook is what makes the commitment official for her. Since she would want to mention who she’s ‘In a relationship’ with, it means that both of your facebook statuses get changed. Oh happy day.

It will not be slow and subtle. The transition from making the relationship secret to public will probably take one night, or less, given the amount of time it takes for her to successfully take over your facebook profile. She will memorize all the two thousand something tagged pictures you have, posting comments such as “Oh, what a cutie you are” and “My guy is like so hotttt” on the ones she especially likes. It is highly unlikely that she doesn’t like them all, unless you’re with another woman in a picture. She will demand that you remove those pictures immediately.

When you log into your facebook next, she will not only have commented on your pictures but would have been rampant on your facebook wall as well. Brace yourself for a plethora of “hugs” in asterisks, “I love you”, “I miss you” and words such as honey, baby, sweetheart and the likes. It is vital that you reply to her wall posts, else she will get offended and eat your brains out to know why you’re ignoring her. You will obviously have to comment on all her pictures.

Come her birthday, and she will expect diamonds for presents. You, being short on cash, will only get her gold. But she will be consoled by the fact that you spent the entire day with her – and that includes not just the meal you took her out to, but the minutes and the seconds you spent on the phone with her because she couldn’t spend any part of that day without talking to you.

You are not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, because you believe that you don’t need just one day to tell someone that you love them. However, she will want to be extra nice on V-Day. When you tell her not to do anything special for you, she will cancel the huge teddy bear but will still get you the gigantic box of chocolates. Her card will say that it is a gift “for being such a special friend, not a Valentine’s Day gift”. Try to abstain from slapping your forehead when you read it.

Your cell phone inbox has always had a series of cheesy messages from her, but now they will have more content asking you about the ‘surprise’ you are planning for your first anniversary, which is around the corner. You take her out to lunch on your anniversary, and she will come back hurt at the lack of red roses and promises of fidelity. Apologizing incessantly will make her angrier, but she will give in at the end of the day and call you up to cry over how stupid she had acted.

You meet her every weekend, but pretty soon the week long distance will be too much to take. You propose meeting her once a week in addition to the weekend, but even that seems to less. Skype becomes the solution to that, because having a webcam on will ensure that she can see you all the time. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t talking, it doesn’t matter if you’re busy with your work, it doesn’t matter if you’re asleep; she just wants to see you at all times. Her world becomes dark the moment your face disappears from sight, and so having a perfectly functional webcam is the central ingredient to her well-being. If you have to leave the camera unattended to go to the loo, you must orient the camera towards the door so that she can keep an eye out for “unwanted thieves” in your absence. Just be grateful she doesn’t want to hear you pee.

Constant staring will become boring after a while, because how often can she comment on the beauty of your eyes? Skype conversations wouldn’t go down well with her, because you guys talk all the time anyway. The ingenious solution she proposes is that you watch a movie ‘together’ on Skype. You will not understand how that works, but allow her to explain. It is imperative that the two of you have the same copy of the same movie, and even more imperative that you start the movie at the same time. You are not allowed to watch the movie in full screen, because along with the movie, the screen also has to be devoted to her live image via webcam. She wants to see you watch the movie with her, because she is doing the same.

Sharing facebook passwords will be a must. If she dies, she has chosen you as the person worthy of getting rid of her facebook account. She considers this an honour bestowed upon you.

When you fail to commemorate the two year milestone in your relationship in a manner suited to her satisfaction, she will feel the need to do something to make you commitment even stronger. In her terminology, it means to do something to bind you to her so that you never get to leave. She will want to talk about the future – your future, together. Daunting.

You need not worry, because she will have everything planned. From your graduation to your masters to the number of children you will have, she will know it all. You only have to follow her master plan to keep her happy. She will have your engagement and wedding already planned. The dates, the decoration, the dresses, the venues, the guest list, probably even the number and names of kids she will want to have – with you, of course.

Her insecurities will play up from time to time when the two of you will be in different cities for college. To mark her territory, she obviously can’t come in and pee around your dorm room. Instead, she will go digital, and decide to post a black heart (the sideways cone) on your facebook wall. You will be forced to change your facebook profile picture to one of the two of you, with a caption such as ‘My sweetums’ on it. The world must know that you are hers and hers alone. And what better way to do it than through the largest social networking site there is?

Of course, she will miss you relentlessly, which means that you will have to brace yourself for a lot of sad and crying emoticons, and a lot of actual tears as well. She will randomly call you in the middle of the night and cry her eyes out on the phone, because she misses you so much it hurts. She will amaze and baffle you with her ‘commitment’ to you, because she will count not just the days, but the hours and minutes and even seconds, until she gets to see you again.

During your tenure at college, Skype will take on a new meaning, because that will be her only way of being able to see you. The two of you will extend your hands towards the laptop screens and curse it for being there, lamenting over the inability to touch that face in person. Don’t be depressed; she will make you feel better by quoting the number of days again. You will, obviously, watch many more movies on Skype. She will tell you that if it weren’t for Skype, the two of you would’ve broken up long ago. Ah yes, kudos to new advances in technology.

Being far away from you and unable to see you every week, she will get a little insecure. Cross out the little and make that a lot. She will portray paranoia like you have never seen before. Every girl you talk to will be the one you are cheating on her with, and thus will have to be excluded from your list of friends. Any female who may be in your vicinity such that you can smell her perfume, will be the slut who is trying to steal “her guy”. If you make the mistake of getting a picture taken with a member of the opposite sex, she will walk all the way to your dorm if she has to, just to make sure that you are still faithful to her.

With her going out guns blazing on all your female friends, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself solely in male company. And then, she will worry about you turning bi and hooking up with one of the boys. So eventually, you will be left with no friends. But no worries, since who needs friends when you have her, something that she will be quick to point out.

Day in and day out you will be on the phone or on Skype with her. You will create new records of texting. And even that will not be enough. She will need more assurances; she will tell you to move up the engagement date she had planned to the coming month.

You will want to break up with her. She will not take kindly to it. Keep in mind that she is a bag of hormones, even though it is not her time of the month yet. The moment you hint at a breakup, she will become such a pathetic weeping heap that the sorry sight alone would make you want to put off the breakup. Obviously, since you suggested the breakup, she will want you to take it back. She will need constant assurances that she is your “only love”, that she is “the one”. Your failure to provide any will be the start of the tedious breakup process.

You will tell her that you did not like being friendless because of her paranoia. She will accuse you of cheating. You will tell her that you would have wanted some say in plans of the future, instead of suddenly being told to get engaged next month. She will accuse you of getting cold feet. You will break up with her. She will start plotting your murder.