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The second (and final) part of a previously published post. The first part can be found here.
When you fail to commemorate the two year milestone in your relationship in a manner suited to her satisfaction, she will feel the need to do something to make your commitment stronger, perhaps unbreakable. She will want to talk about the future – your future, together.
You need not worry, because she will have everything planned. From your graduation to the location of your new apartment to the number of children you will have, she will know it all. You will only have to follow her master plan to keep her happy. She will have your engagement and wedding already planned – the dates, the decoration, the dresses, the venues, the guest list. She will probably even have the names picked out for the kids she will want to have – with you, of course. Do not even try to come up with a different plan, because getting her to agree to it will be akin to trying to outfox a Vegas slot machine.
She will christen you ‘Bunny’, and no, you will not be allowed to pick your own animal. The little stuffed bunnies that you see in the arms of little girls will now have a place in your room and a home in her heart. She will address you as that animal so much that you will forget your own name and will face an identity crisis by being convinced that you are a furry animal. At least you’ll be cute.
When the two of you will go to different cities for college, her insecurities will play up. She will live in constant fear of getting dumped, and will want to be stuck to you like your Siamese twin. To remind you of your commitment, she will post a black heart (the sideways cone) on your Facebook wall every day. You will be forced to change your Facebook profile picture to one of the two of you, with a caption such as ‘MY girlfriend’ on it. The picture will tell the world that she is your other three-quarters – because other half will not be enough to satisfy her. And what better way to do it than through the largest social networking site there is? It will be the digital equivalent of her having to come in and pee around your dorm room to mark her territory.
Of course, she will miss you relentlessly, which means that you will have to brace yourself for a lot of sad and crying emoticons, and a lot of actual tears as well. She will call you up at ungodly hours and wail like a banshee. You may be able to handle the tears, but you should prepare yourself for a lot of arguments as well. Since she cannot rail against the universe for its unfairness in separating two people who are meant to be together, she will use you as a vent. But have no fear, because despite the baseless arguments, she will be sure to remind you of her love every single day. She will amaze you with her commitment, because she will count not just the days, but the hours and minutes and even seconds, until she gets to see you again.
During your tenure at college, Skype will take on a new meaning, because that will be her only way of being able to see you. The two of you will extend your hands towards your laptop screens and curse it for being there. Don’t be depressed; she will make you feel better by quoting the number of days again. She will tell you that if it weren’t for Skype, the two of you would’ve broken up long ago.
Be prepared for becoming the subject of many jokes amongst your friends. They will single you out when they run out of laughs, and she will tell you that your friends are probably jealous of your relationship since none of them have been Enlightened the way you have been.
Being far away and unable to see you every week, she will get a little insecure. Cross out the little and make that a lot. She will portray paranoia like you have never seen before. Every girl you talk to will be the one you are cheating on her with, and thus will have to be excluded from your list of friends. Any female who may be in your vicinity such that you can smell her body odour will be the slut who is trying to steal her guy. If you make the mistake of getting a picture taken with a member of the opposite sex, she will walk all the way to your dorm room if she has to, just to make sure that you are still faithful to her.
While you will not be allowed to utter a syllable to a member of the opposite sex, the same rules will not apply to her. The hot-dude-from-the-Anatomy-class that she will tell you about will not be the one she is crushing on; she will say that he is one of nature’s finest creations and she is only “appreciating nature” by ogling at it. Of course, the idea of appreciating nature will go with her chastity belt.
With her going out guns blazing on all your female friends, it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself solely in male company. And then, she will worry about you turning gay and hooking up with one of the boys. So eventually, you will be left with no friends. But no worries, since who would need friends when you have her, something that she will be quick to point out. A social lifestyle is for elephants anyway, and you are just a Bunny in love.
It will be imperative that you send her a “good night text” every night before you fall asleep. It doesn’t matter if she fell asleep way before you did; if she wakes up the next morning to no texts from you, she will assume that you never sleep and instead hang out with uncultured college girls at odd hours.
She will call you all the time; she may call even before you are out of bed, and will explain that she was doing so to check up on you for your morning class. You need not worry about calling her, because she will always beat you to it. Just hearing your voice will be the caffeine rush – sorry, the Diet Coke – that she needs to get through her day. Do not worry about constantly being on the phone though; she may put it down for five minutes – maximum.
Day in and day out you will be on the phone or on Skype with her. You will create new records of texting. And even that will not be enough. She will need more assurances; she will tell you to move up the engagement date to the coming month.
Come a day when you will finally grow a pair and want to break up with her. She will not take kindly to it. Keep in mind that she is a perpetual bag of hormones. The moment you hint at a breakup, she will expel enough tears to be able to flood the Sahara that the sight alone would make you want to put off the breakup. Obviously, since you suggested the breakup, she will want you to take it back. She will need constant assurances that she is your “only love”, that she is “The one”. Your failure to provide any will be the start of the tedious breakup process.
You will tell her that you do not like being friendless. She will accuse you of devaluing her. You will tell her that you do not want to suddenly be told to get engaged in the coming month. She will accuse you of being gutless. You will break up with her. She will start plotting your murder.