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Break your piggy bank and pool all your savings. You’re going to need the money later on. Keep checking your watch and dropping casual statements about the “match at eight” that you don’t want to miss. Answer queries regarding the details of the match with a shrug and a vague remark such as “Oh, just football”. When needed to be more explicit, say “Barclay’s Premier League. Anything that’s on is good”. Just the fact that you know the entire name of the league would work in your favour.

Act like a confident all-knowing woman, even if you don’t feel that way. Convince yourself that the people around you don’t know any better, that they will be impressed simply by your use of club names and player names. This bunch of blondes will hold you in high esteem if you take David Beckham’s name, and make a few statements about how he made his mark on the League. Just a few sentences in English – nothing technical, no expertise required. If you spot the handsome jock who not only plays football but also watches it devoutly, raise your voice a little and upgrade your vague statements from talking about who the players are to how these players play. Since you aren’t too aware about the game, drop in random statements such as “Wayne Rooney’s excellent bicycle kick”, “Mourinho being excellent at Chelsea but unable to win a Champion’s League”, “Arsenal’s beautiful short passes” and “Liverpool’s sale of Torres”. These four statements alone ought to make him look at you not as the other blondes you associate with, but as someone he could engage in a football conversation with. Walk away before you run the risk of making a fool of yourself.

Scout him to find out what club he supports. Stalk him if necessary, but know when to retreat. Put the money you took out of piggy bank to good use. Use it to get yourself a shirt of the club he supports. Your choices will be easy: Giggs, Lampard, Fabregas and Gerrard. Do not go to a Nike outlet and get bilked out of all your money. Get a cheap copy and then talk about how you don’t want to spend that entire amount on an original shirt because the kits usually change every season, or every few seasons. Make sure you look good in the jersey you buy. Since club football jerseys aren’t usually made for women, get a small size and roll up your sleeves. Wear it with a pair of skinny jeans for the added ambience, and top it off with a club cap if possible, your bangs obviously flowing out from under the cap and your hair untied. The cap is to be worn tilted; it is a must.

Talk about the stadiums. Mention “Old Trafford” often and just as often replace it with “Theatre of Dreams”. You are not with the crème de la crème if you use Theatre of Dreams as part of your vocabulary, but you are going to get a free pass into a little bit of their insights. Drop in comments on how “Emirates is much better than Highbury” and how “Stamford Bridge is no longer the unbeatable fortress it was”. If you want to carry on, make a snide remark that “Anfield sucks”. That alone ought to win you a lot of popularity from fans of three clubs. You’re not too concerned regarding which clubs those are.

If you hear words such as ‘Europe’ or ‘Champions League’ in a football conversation, exclaim passionately about how “Manchester United’s 7-1 win over Roma” filled you with inner contentment. Laugh at how “Liverpool is playing the Europa League” and “Chelsea haven’t won the Champions League at all”.

When sitting with a group of football fanatics who are engrossed in the match being telecast live, your best strategy is to scream along with everyone else, even if it’s just ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’. If the ball doesn’t hit the net but is instead blocked by the person standing in front of the net, just shout out “good save” and let others take over. When the whistle blows, just say “Oh come on ref, that wasn’t really a foul” – but take special care to not say this when the time running on the screen has stopped. Scream words such as “shoot” and “offside” when everyone else does; you need not bother with what they mean. When everyone around you claps or shouts ecstatically, put your fingers in your mouth and let out a whistle.

Convince yourself you’ve done enough to be inscribed in the A-list of football fanatics. Even if not the list of everyone, he will be eyeing you a bit – shocking, yes – respectfully now. Throw a sly smile or two towards him every once in a while. Wearing your football jersey when doing that is a plus point. He will notice, he will approach.

You’re the hot one who’s smart enough to know football. Agree to a date to watch a match with him. During the match, keep your fingers crossed at all times.

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